In short:

• Make it short: Keep your message super short and to the point.

• Ask for ridiculously little: Ask only for 15 minutes or even less, not one hour.

• Ask for help and own it: Don't pretend helping you will help them. Make it clear you're asking for help.

• Show you’re committed: Mention one specific thing you appreciate from them and that has helped you. Show that you are committed to the relationship even if for now it’s a parasocial one.

A little context

For years I’ve been on two sides of the asking help relationship. I often have to ask people that I don’t know for help, to give me a short interview for a research project, to come and teach for a few minutes in one of my courses. But I’ve been also on the other side, receiving tons of messages of people asking me to do the exact same thing for them.

So having been on both sides, here are the things that I try to do as an asker of help, and that I’m sensible to when people ask for my help.

Make it short

People don’t need a lot of context in the first message you send them. Keep your message super short. Like 3-4 sentences.

Ask for help and own it

Busy people revieve a shit load of messages from people trying to get their time. And most of those messages start with something like "I'd love to pick your brain" or "This will be mutually beneficial".

Don’t do that. Be honest instead. You want their help. You're asking for a favor, there is no benefit for people investing time in you other than them being nice humans.

Ask for ridiculously little

Ask for 5 minutes. Ask for 15 minutes. Not more.

Not an hour. Not "a coffee" which everyone knows means at least 45 minutes. 5 minutes in a video call or by phone.

This makes it hard to say no. Even the busiest person can usually find 5 or 15 minutes if they want to help. And if those 15 minutes go well, they'll often give you more time.

Show you’re committed

When people write to me showing a specific thing I shared, or built has helped them and how it impacted them, it feels we are already in a relationship. I’m much more willing to help out someone who has “invested time” with me, even if it’s through my writing.

So show that you’re commited and make it specific. Tell me what helped you and why.

Ask for help and own it

An advice that is often given is to "show value" or explain "what's in it for them".

But the reality is that most people don’t need your help. They are already set. So ask for help clearly. Don’t try to pretend there is value for the one you are asking you to help. You are the one asking for help, don’t try to reverse the roles.

Written with AI help
This article is based on notes I shared with people that were asking me for help. I then expanded my notes with Notion AI and adapted the text by hand.